The Art of Conversation Part 2

Just home from a wonderful Christmas with my parents and extended family where I spent a lot of time engaged in different kinds of conversations. One of the things that I often forget when I talk to people about the importance of conversations is that many people aren't comfortable having conversations. The other thing that I forget is that there are many different types of conversations. So when you think of feedback loops of conversation keeping the balance in a system, you probably need to think about how difficult conversations can be. In the past I have been completely blindsided by conversations where I've assumed my conversation partner shared a similar paradigm when in fact they haven't. While that in itself wasn't a problem, problems did emerge when they weren't able to distinguish how these differences influenced our perceptions of an event. It was a difficult hurtle to overcome. There were a few lessons about conversations that I was reintroduced to this weekend that I believe are important to mention before moving on.

Good conversations involve risk taking and trust. We are only able to open ourselves to the truths of another when we trust that our words will be met without pre-judgement and carefully tended. We speak because we want to be heard and have our words honored because of the place from which they came. Nothing stifles conversations like having our own words turned on us in a way that deviates from the original intent. To openly share our voices within a system, there needs to be a safe environment.

Good conversations involve kindness. This kindness begins when we extend the opportunity to another person to share, and follow it through by listening carefully and eventually responding in a way that lets the person know they've been heard. The most important kindness comes in our response, a response that even if it speaks in disagreement, is not belittling, competitive or judgemental. A response that gives life to more interaction and provides an opportunity to co-create meaning.

One of the wonderful things that I noticed this weekend when I was in conversation with various family members is that conversations help me to see patterns. I was reading an article by Wendell Berry entitled "Solving for Pattern" which is contained in a book called Ecological Literacy: Educating Our Children for a Sustainable Future. The article points to the importance of understanding how we are part of a pattern and those patterns fit into larger patterns. (Reminded me of fractal geometry and he was talking about agriculture.) It's in the recognition of these patterns that we are able to monitor ourselves and our impact on the world of patterns around us. When I talk to my brother I can see not only the pattern (which I sometimes refer to as a metaphor) between agriculture and education, but also where these to patterns overlap and are a part of one another. When I talked with my father there were historical patterns that are being repeated within our current context. His life experiences and point of view allows me to see patterns that would otherwise not be accessible to me. When we see patterns I think we are better equipped to understand our own place within them. We need others to help us understand who we are in the systems in which we find ourselves in. We cannot do this without conversations.